Today was hard. 

One of my children has trouble with sensory processing. She can hold it together at school and in public, but at home she lets all the torture she's felt throughout the day let go. I comfort her, I love her, I try to help her process. Watching my baby hurt because of too much noise/too much light/too much movement is torture to me. (Yes she is in therapy)...

Things always come in threes it feels like. Difficult things never visit us alone. 

My respiratory cold has been lingering and I saw the doctor. Nothing is more terrifying than feeling like you can't fill or expel your lungs enough. That and having asthma, now I am on a 5 day round of Prednisone. The last time I was on Prednisone it went on for 2 months. Three rounds of prednisone for an allergic reaction to acrylic nails partnered with stress of an unplanned trip to Missouri for my husband to officiate his first funeral, my father in laws funeral, he was 59. What a ride. I have hated prednisone since then (February 2019) because I gained about 30lbs that I have yet to lose.

I also had a lot of hurt feelings today.Part of that could be my emotional reaction to the prednisone. Sometimes you expect people to not communicate well, but you don't expect a complete flat out lie or slander. I was sent an email that said horrible things about my by a professional colleague. I was also told that something someone was loaning me until after winter, out of necessity for our family, will be getting it tomorrow.

I rarely depend on people, but today I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me one too many times.

I gave in and bought little caesars. I fed my kids and cried for a while.

Ministry really drains a lot out of me some days

But God....

Wow, two words. It erases the pain of today like it never happened.

I have received a miracle in my life the last few weeks. One that I was afraid I would never see.

That keeps me moving forward. That and my husband has my two older kids with him and the little ones are watching The Grinch until bed time in 30 minutes.

This wasn't in the manual...

April is sexual abuse awareness month.

Ive never felt anything more confusing and frustrating than walking with my oldest daughter through this.

Her father had touched her inappropriatly a year and a half ago. The criminal justice system went about as fast as I thought I would. 

Now that the jury trial is over and all the dust has settled it feels so much more unsettled.

Prison time, Sex offender registry, Probation, Classes. 

None of that matters, my babies heart is still broken.

She still can't understand why her father wouldn't tell the truth.

She can't understand why he would make her testify in front of a 13 man jury and multiple court reporters and an audience. 

Honestly I struggle comprehending these things too.

She still wants to see him, she loves her dad.

She has 2 siblings but after the trial was over I had to get a restraining order on their mom for threatening to kill my family and I. 

All this being said, I believe in miracles. 

I believe in consequences but I believe in redemption and the grace of God. 

I have worked very hard to find her a counselor for the last year. I finally found one that I really love and she refuses to open up. Im not sure if she would open up to anyone. I don't know how hard to push her to talk, when to back off. When is it 5th grade drama and when is it something deeper? 

Ive never prayed so much in my life. Having the responsibility of raising little lives is scary enough as it is. With all of this extra therapy and deep seeded trauma I don't know how Ill make it through most days. 

Im keeping this one short. This feels like a lot to take in, a lot to process for me. 

Also The Notebook is on, on Netflix and I haven't had a good cry in awhile. 

Cheers.

Intruductions: What you see is what you get.

I struggle with social media and the idea that everything needs a filter.

This is my family. My husband and I and our six daughters. half aren't looking, one has a whole fist in her mouth, we had just walked a long ways and waited for our turn to the go up the space needle. 

Im raising six daughters in a world that terrifies me. All of the filters and expectations. All of the comparison and competition for status. 

I do have trust that all of these little responsibilities were given to me by a God who knows what he is doing a lot more than I ever could. 

Kyera is our oldest (blue skirt) at 11 from my previous marriage. 

I know, a pastors wife thats been divorced. Bring on the stereotypes and condemnation.

Maddi, 10, in the glasses, my husbands daughter from a previous marriage. A bonus daughter. 

Baella almost 7, she somehow put a scarf over her head even though it was 80+ degrees. 

Jordyn and KatieJo just turned 3 and 4. They are the ones that aren't looking. 364 days apart, by far one of the most difficult experiences we've ever had. 

Then our last, already spoiled she's 1 1/2. MaisieMae. 

I always thought that my first few had a strong will but the last 3 have given us a run for our money.  

See my husband and I are rural church planters in Northern Wisconsin. We have been for about 3 years. Its recently changed hands again to be under our district so we have begun an interesting season of raising support. We have always seen God come thru in amazing and crazy ways so we have faith, we are just so excited to share our vision for the community that God has called us to. 

In short Ill give you a list of the spiritual warfare we've faced in the last 2 years. 

My oldest daughter confessed to me that her biological father touched her inappropriately and we only recently finished the criminal court hearing where he was convicted. He will be charged soon. 

Lots of people have noted my grace and forgiveness in this season but I can only give credit to the Lord. To me he looks like a broken man in need of a savior. Im sad and not at all prepared to get Kyera through this, but I know that its not my wisdom or patience that will get us through. My own testimony has some horrible sin and I have seen God use it so I know He will use this in Kyera life.

After I had Maisie I ended up very sick and eventually found out I had a retained placenta and had to get an emergency DNC.

Only 2 weeks later I woke up with a stabbing pain in my belly button. Only to go to the doctor and find that I needed a hernia repair surgery, I had an allergic reaction to the sutures and still have pain from time to time. 

1 month later I was driving to go get Maddi (She's 3 hours away and we meet half way on Friday nights) It was 3 days before Christmas and we were going to have her extra long. It was icy and pitch black so I was going 10mph at least below the speed limit when a deer came out in front of me, I hit it head on and it pushed me into the other lane where an oncoming vehicle was headed straight for us. I had my 3 youngest in the van with me. I panicked because I didn't have enough hands to get them all out of seats as we were in the middle of a dark road at risk for someone hitting us again. 

The babies were all safe, I had a broken sternum. 

Ill leave it with that for now. I need to rest. 

I often feel isolated and sad as a pastors wife. I often feel alone and under appreciated as a mother. 

However, I love working with my husband every day, even though we don't always get along perfectly. I love doing eternal work, even if it feels mundane. 

Pain is the path to growth.