This wasn't in the manual...

April is sexual abuse awareness month.

Ive never felt anything more confusing and frustrating than walking with my oldest daughter through this.

Her father had touched her inappropriatly a year and a half ago. The criminal justice system went about as fast as I thought I would. 

Now that the jury trial is over and all the dust has settled it feels so much more unsettled.

Prison time, Sex offender registry, Probation, Classes. 

None of that matters, my babies heart is still broken.

She still can't understand why her father wouldn't tell the truth.

She can't understand why he would make her testify in front of a 13 man jury and multiple court reporters and an audience. 

Honestly I struggle comprehending these things too.

She still wants to see him, she loves her dad.

She has 2 siblings but after the trial was over I had to get a restraining order on their mom for threatening to kill my family and I. 

All this being said, I believe in miracles. 

I believe in consequences but I believe in redemption and the grace of God. 

I have worked very hard to find her a counselor for the last year. I finally found one that I really love and she refuses to open up. Im not sure if she would open up to anyone. I don't know how hard to push her to talk, when to back off. When is it 5th grade drama and when is it something deeper? 

Ive never prayed so much in my life. Having the responsibility of raising little lives is scary enough as it is. With all of this extra therapy and deep seeded trauma I don't know how Ill make it through most days. 

Im keeping this one short. This feels like a lot to take in, a lot to process for me. 

Also The Notebook is on, on Netflix and I haven't had a good cry in awhile. 

Cheers.